SO! this will be the first of many blogs where it's just a stream of words from.........Thoughts. this one is specifically about omg why is the fucking text so pushed in im gonna jump WAIT. ok this will also be a test to see if this looks good without indentation cuz idk those reflecting room breakdowns look weird too lemme see idk. .anyway yea this one is going to be about my on and off relationship with music and why its actually been stressing me out for a long time . ive never explicitly spoken about this to anyone
yk its such a funny thing whenever i tell people 'yea i loveee making music' cuz the thing about that is that its TRUE! i absolutely adore the creation of music no matter how many times my MacBook wants to act up because it's overloaded or how many times my voice wants to play stupid in front of a microphone or the de esser doesn't DE ESS correctly ...... i love every part of it. everything.
what i don't love is what comes after it — getting it out, figuring out how/where i want it to live....etc
personally, im very big on presenting myself through my art but in a cohesive manner so that people KNOW who i am. this is why (for some of you who are so curious) i tend to 'erase' music / parts of myself that i do not Fuck with, from the internet, and why i hate when it's archived anywhere in any form. it messes with how i'm trying to present myself. u get it? if i have a song that, at the time of creating it, i was really proud of it's material, then when i'm older i realize that's not how i want people to see me when they're doing a deep dive of my catalog, i am absolutely going to take precautionary measures to make sure it doesn't haunt me in the future whenever i realize this.
it's also the reason why i hoard so much music away in hard drives, i have entire ALBUMS worth of music that i won't release (also i don't have the project files to atleast 44% of those songs so HEY!) because the thought of these songs with their terrible writing and other oddities ever being out just makes me feel sick. i can't do that to myself. No.
so how is this affecting me Now, given that i have every opportunity to create better art that won't give me this feeling again?
to be honest? it doesn't. not in the way i described above. it has more to do with What i want to create. as you all know.....i have big dreams. a huge vision that i want to act out in a very prestigious manner. the way i want to do that isn't going to be laid out here because to put it straightforwardly this is a Vent Post :)
i listen to music for more than half of my day, and whenever i discover new music or revisit music that makes me really happy, inspiration comes to me very easily. it comes to me in other forms as well, but i can confidently say that music is my primary source of inspiration. it moves me! but that poses a Very serious problem for me, the problem that is genre. because i've been a 'genreless' artist since last year-ish (might've started in 2024 but i really cannot pinpoint this because i spent that entire year trying to heavily plagiarize Camila Cabello's C,XOXO era and i apologize Mila 🙁) that means i give myself the freedom to create whatever the Frick i want! also i don't have a label and team breathing down my neck trying to force me to create music in a specific genre (though i wish i did sometimes, real shit) so that evidently meaaannsssss....I HAVE A FREE SCHEDULE!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.
anyway the reason why genres stress me out so much is because i like the idea of trying ALL of them. and for some reason, i force myself to create music in 'eras'. i truly cannot understand it myself, but it just naturally happens and it stresses me out. i also deal with the nonexistent pressure of needing to create and release a project with an entire plan and deadline..... but WHY? who's waiting for me? currently i have under 50 or so monthly listeners on spotify, almost 530 YouTube subscribers that are mostly inactive, like COME ON.........and i wish it were easy to just let go of this burden, but for some reason it's more than difficult. it's somewhat reminiscent of a habit i inadvertently picked up from .. idk, thin air?
the real issue is where that lands on the actual creation process. i'll go into Logic or Ableton, think about the idea i had in my head like three hours ago, actually try to lay it down, hate it, delete it, then try again in another project file. repeat. go away for a few hours, try again, succeed in some form, then force myself to replicate the formula that worked. and honestly, this works for a few days, until i find some other style that i vibe with, create a 'new era', and this ENTIRE process repeats. it's been this way since last year. poooop.
i feel like this entire thing is a complete cesspool of bullfuck but im gonna keep going idk .
it then comes to how i feel about releasing music. idk! i have absolutely zero clue how to release music which i'm sure you all have realized at this point and it doesn't necessarily bother me i guess? it only ruffles my feathers when i think about how CURRENTLY, given my personal circumstances, it doesn't make too much sense to release music. yall as im writing this im broke and jobless...i mean come on 😭 i can't release music if i have no money to pay someone to film a music video for me or pay a blog/playlist curator to showcase my work or even run ADS on instagram and friends. it's not sensible. yet i still Do! where this places me is verrrrry unknown. i'm basically in purgatory. Khia Hell .. omg.
i just think i need to stop trying for a sec and do whatever i want....if i feel like making a song that sounds like Agora Hills one day and then i make a song that sounds like Birds Of A Feather the next, should it rlly matter? i'm not creating a specific project. and i don't HAVE to release music immediately because no one is waiting for me but the people who currently like my music. and even then, no one is Eagerly waiting. i need to drill this into my brain so i can stop feeling horrible every time i create a song....truly awful feeling. wow.
so maybe once i get my shit together, i can start releasing singles / maxisingles here and there, maybe an EP, i don't know, but the main thing i have going on is the unnecessary need to create and release a big project with rollouts and insane goals .... nobody gaf. nobody needs a Jaedan Isaiah project rn. chile.
ok this actually helped me get a lot of shit off of my chest and im starting to feel better .. shoutout to whoever created blogs because this is a really good outlet + those of you who actually read actually have the opportunity to tell me how you feel about it and maybe tell me if u relate idk ! thanks for reading tho :)
oh i feel this so much... tbh my relationship with music is bits and pieces like this but also not really because there's like a lot of stuff that can happen! in my case i feel like things and ideas can always be reformulated into something better, no matter the final product, it may morph or jump from project to project throughout the years but sometimes looking back thru your old files you might find something that makes you think "why didn't i ever finish/release this" or "i see the vision but i want to change it a little, maybe it can come out soon" except in my shoes it isn't fully written and recorded songs but literal 4 bar loop beats 😭 so yeah i'm really happy and proud you were able to finish and put out reflecting rooms bc it's an amazing project and i am looking forward to your future projects (or if you ever think about releasing maybe even a few of your previous music)
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